livingisafunnybusiness

As we journey through life, those around us, family, friends, society, teach us the rules. They do this mostly with the best of intentions, wanting to help us fit in, be happy, be successful, then we create beliefs; lists of things we should do, ought to do, can do, can’t do and how things should be done. At some point we start to add our own items to the list and eventually we end up with a gargantuan bunch of beliefs that we become over attached to, even if they no longer serve us.

I had often heard people say “I’ll believe it when I see it”. Somewhere along my journey I stumbled upon the book “You’ll see it, when you believe it”, which turned this popular saying on its ear. The book suggested we can choose our beliefs, and that when we do, we change what we experience. I was fascinated.

I became interested in exploring the removal of shoulds in my life, the old beliefs of what I ought to do, what needs to be done and how it should be done; and also the beliefs around how it shouldn’t be done, or can’t be done. I decided to banish old beliefs that no longer served me. This proved to be easier said, than done.

Many of our beliefs we are not even aware of, they are deeply buried programs that run automatically when certain situations arise, they become habits, ways of responding to things without thinking. I have discovered over the course of time some ways of uncovering and questioning my beliefs.

You can start by listening to your language. How often do you hear yourself saying “I should ……” at the beginning of a sentence or “He/she should …….”; or how about “I know I should but……..” ; and “I wish I could but…….”; and “I can’t do that”. When you hear yourself saying things like this, question the statement. Is that really true? Are there other options? What belief is attached to that statement?

You can also examine situations in your personal life that aren’t the way you want them to be and ask yourself “What would I need to believe, for this to be the result”. I discovered some deeply buried, subtle beliefs using this technique. Here is one I revealed. I had become aware that I was not being treated with respect by people close to me. I began by blaming them and then I started to ask questions. What I eventually came to realize was that I believed I was not responsible enough to earn their respect. Now this was not true, in fact I was being over responsible, however an old tape, a gremlin voice was hanging onto the belief that I was irresponsible. Becoming aware of that belief and changing it had a profound impact on my life. First, I started to treat myself with more respect and then it rippled out from there.

Another method I found useful was to approach things from the opposite end and ask “What would I need to believe to create what I do want?” or “What can I choose to believe that will bring me greater joy and passion? (or whatever you are longing for). Einstein once said “There are only two ways to live your life. One is as though nothing is a miracle. The other is as though everything is a miracle.”  Which belief would make your life more amazing?

A belief I am currently choosing is that we live in a world that is magical. That belief is bringing delight and wonder into my life. It is definitely serving me.

I encourage you to question your shoulds and can’ts, challenge your old beliefs and choose empowering ones that fill your life with joy and delight.

It seems to me that sometimes emotions get a bad rap, being labelled good or bad, being sought after or avoided. I’ve come to believe they are an excellent guidance system, not a design flaw.

Often behaviours and thoughts are tied to certain emotions and I would like to challenge that notion. The emotion is the feeling that shows up, thoughts are then attached to it which leads to the behaviour, the choices made based on those feelings and thoughts. Linking specific behaviours to an emotion can limit how effectively they can work for us.

I stumbled upon this insight recently when I was feeling envy. I got curious. I asked myself questions. I discovered a desire. How delicious.

Five emotions that we often try to avoid or label as bad are jealousy, envy, anger, frustration, anxiety. Let’s get curious about the assumptions we have about them.

Jealousy we often associate with the behaviours of controlling, confronting and being possessive; envy with revenge or surliness; anger with a bad temper and verbal or physical abuse; frustration with giving up or lashing out at others;  anxiety or worry with being obsessive or ineffective, or other negative behaviours.

Sometimes when we feel these emotions we get stuck in the blame game. We feel jealous and we blame the person we feel jealous over for being untrue or unfaithful or the “other person” for trying to take away someone we love; envy conjures up thoughts of the person who has something we want as having cheated to achieve it or assuming they must have done something unfair to obtain it or they are lucky and we aren’t or they must be better than me; anger lays blame on someone else, it is their fault this is happening; frustration and anxiety evoke thoughts of I am not good enough or someone is trying to undermine my  efforts. These thoughts don’t usually lead to powerful choices.

What if we saw emotions as an early warning system instead, an opportunity to question what is going on rather than collapsing together the emotion with certain behaviours. Try allowing your guidance system to work for you and assist you in getting to know yourself better. How about getting curious when you feel these emotions? What might you discover?

Rather than attaching past thoughts to these emotions when they show up, try some of the following:

Jealousy – wow, I guess I really love this person, have I been letting them know how much I love them lately? Gee, the person I love and this other person seem to have a real connection, what can I do to create that kind of connection with them? That really opened up my heart.

Envy – oh boy, I just realized how much I really want what that person has, what can I do to have it as well? Now I have an opportunity to find out how they achieved it and to take action to bring it into my life. How great is that.

Anger – that was powerful, so clearly I feel very strongly about what happened, why is that? what loving and compassionate action can I take in response to that? How can I take better care of myself?

Frustration – arg, darn, ok take a breath, what can I do to learn how to do this better or to create an environment that makes this easier or maybe I would rather be doing something else and now with this awareness, I can create that change. Thanks for the insight, guidance system.

Anxiety and worry – ok, I am now aware that I am concerned that things may not turn out the way I want them to, is there anything I can do to improve the outcome? or is this out of my control?  Perhaps I should just step back and see what happens, then deal with the consequences in the best way possible, and hey sometimes letting go of control lets something even better show up. I can just lighten up.

Same emotions, alternate thoughts, leading to more empowered behaviours. This curiosity can be applied to all of the emotions we feel.

Have fun tinkering with your emotional guidance system and the insights it may reveal.

Living is a funny business and I for one want to keep doing it. The alternative may also be very interesting (as in, life beyond the curtain) however for the moment I am delighted to be in human form. I am grateful every day for the chance to get out there and engage with the world and see what shows up. How about you?

Gratitude, it can work magic. In my experience, when I take the time to truly feel gratitude for things in my life, more of those things show up.

I encourage you to stop for a moment and think about the things you are grateful for. How long has it been since you did that. Really! Just stop and list at least five things you appreciate in your life.  It may be your family, a loved one, a pet, a comfortable pair of jeans, a beautiful tree outside your window, the delicious taste and aroma of your morning cup of coffee or tea (it’s Earl Grey tea for me).

If you are not grateful for the state of your life, what are you doing to change it? Seriously! I suggest just start by finding even the smallest things to be grateful for. You woke up, you can breathe, there is a roof over your head, the world is still turning. Gratitude grows when nurtured and it begins to fill you up.

I now get grateful for things that others might consider very strange. A traffic jam reminds me to slow down, I am grateful. A misunderstanding happens with someone and it gives me an opportunity to explore my compassion, I am grateful.  Feelings of sadness and despair show up and they remind me how precious joy and laughter are, I am grateful.

Consider starting a Gratitude Journal, a place to write down and focus your attention on what you appreciate in your life. You have a life. Be grateful for it.

A friend reminded me recently what a big cry baby teddy bear (her words), I used to be. It was true, I was often a marshmellow softy (my words) and that got me thinking.  In the past my range of responses to events in my life was quite predictable and somewhat limited. Cry, withdraw, sacrifice, dig in my heels, hmmm… not many options.

Often we have ways of being that become our default states, the ones we most often fall into. Do you tend to be quiet and shy or gregarious and loud, polished and professional or wacky and outrageous? How about experimenting with being  the exact opposite of that? See how it feels and what kinds of reactions you get. You might be surprised.  We all contain the possibility of all those choices. We also have many states we avoid at all costs. Try and notice what states you use most often and which you avoid.

I used to avoid anger because I had experienced it as out of control and unmanageable. I discovered that was only true because I didn’t have much skill at being angry. In the beginning my anger was out of control and unmanageable. I have learned it can be very effective.

How do we increase our range?  By trying new options.  Be willing to experiment. Be willing to let go of being perfect. As with most things in life there is a learning curve. The first time we try something new we may not have much skill at doing it. We get better at it, by doing it, evaluating what happens, making adjustments and then trying again.

I have come to believe that we are more complete and effective when we have access to the full spectrum of our states of being; from soft and tender to hard-nosed hard ass; from deeply contemplative to spontaneous flake, and so much more.  The more options we have in our tool box the more choices we have and this empowers us.

So what’s in your tool box (or you can call it your bag of tricks, colour palette, treasure chest). What do you call it?

Of course, the complete use of the full spectrum really occurs, when you allow others to also be their full spectrum. This requires unconditional acceptance of others as they are and true forgiveness, however that is a topic for another day.

Here’s to your full spectrum.

Leaders, masters and philosophers have admonished us for centuries  to “Know Yourself” and “To thine own self be true”.

For many years I heard these words and thought of course I know myself, I love chocolate and potato chips, teddy bears and the colour purple and drive a Volkswagen Beetle (now I drive a purple! Sidekick).  Time and learning experiences have shown me, that the me I thought I knew, was only a tiny portion of the whole me. I am beginning to see the importance of these words of wisdom. The more fully I know myself, the deeper my satisfaction with life; the more I trust my own inner voice, the more empowered I become.

Curiosity is my tool for greater self knowing. I think of my life as a puzzle to figure out or a treasure map to follow or a maze to traverse; a life-long adventure.  I believe there are clues everywhere that can help us discover more of who we are. Places I have uncovered clues include: my family of origin, horoscope, numerology, asking people I trust to share what they see as my strengths and challenges, writing out a list of my loves and identifying what I feel passionate about. I ponder what each clue reveals about me. Ultimately paying attention in each moment to the way I respond to things around me has provided the greatest insights. I watch for where my energy is highest, what excites me, what opens me up rather than shut me down and most importantly what resonates with truth and authenticity for me.

When it comes time to make a choice I go inside first to ask for guidance. When the voice I hear is judgemental, discouraging or fearful I know it is not my true self talking. I call that my Gremlin voice. When the voice is encouraging, caring and thoughtful that is my authentic voice. When the inner voice grows silent, I trust, and wait for the answers to come. I am discovering that the heart is our most precious source of guidance, not the mind. Following the urges of my heart always leads me to a greater sense of living my best life. Frustration diminishes, depression lifts and inspiration grows when I live my truth and trust my own wisdom.

Knowing myself more completely has become the greatest adventure of all.

Where have you found clues? How do you follow your heart?

Wishing you the curiosity to know yourself better and be true to YOU.